Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
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If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.