Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
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Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…