A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
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70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Passwords are more important than ever.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.