commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
You Might Also Like
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
This could be us… but you playing
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult