Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
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Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Cat.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
War & Peace
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf