i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.