Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
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6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww