I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
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this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.