Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
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girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
This kid is going places
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
are there any atheist mantises?
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.