6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner