A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
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I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
But wait…
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary