Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
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“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
My love language is deader than Latin
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
new year update: losing everything but weight
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…