[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
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Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug