I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
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I bet youâre wondering why I pulled you over
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
adding to the discourse
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Whatâs your guide about?
Type âExplorerâs Guide to ______â and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorerâs Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well thatâs the most on brand one Iâve ever done! Good job phone! đ
#wildemount #critters #dnd
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Iâm thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it âPick Your Noseâ.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like âwait whatâ
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
WIFE: Whatâre you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Donât do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I had surgery on my hand but Iâm telling everyone itâs a âcooking injuryâ so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
A penguinâs resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says âCold enough for you?â
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Itâs amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said âIâm spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpyâ, that really spoke to me.
*married driving*
Her: âYou should pass this guy.â
Me: âYou should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.â
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Iâm exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
today my sister said âI thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweetâ this went on for ten minutes
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything