did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
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Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.