Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
You Might Also Like
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.