fourth time’s the charm
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It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Aw man, but that’s the best part
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.