How do you like your Corgi?
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My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts