MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
You Might Also Like
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
(Electricians.)
Going into Monday like
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
lol
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.