(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
You Might Also Like
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.