My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
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Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
how was your vacation
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?