Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
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Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.