All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
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Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?