[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up