Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!