This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
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Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Not now. I’m deglazing.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.