interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
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The little toadstool has spoken.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.