I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
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wish me luck lads
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.