Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
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I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
liiiiiiiiike
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘