Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
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my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace