Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
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I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Just say no
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes