[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
You Might Also Like
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Real House Wines.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never