There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
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Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.