” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
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Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach