Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
You Might Also Like
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
don’t be scared
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.