Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
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10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.