Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
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Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
#dalle2
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.