Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’