I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
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hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o