wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
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My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO