it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Here’s a meme
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.