I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
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This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.