I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
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Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD