“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
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This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
this has done me in for some reason
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Someone just threatened to call me later