The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
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Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
thanksgiving in nutshell
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors