I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
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Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.