My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
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There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
welp
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.