I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
You Might Also Like
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Ferrari squats
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
his wife is probably gonna see that
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?