Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
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If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice