I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
They grow up so quick
My spirit animal is fried chicken
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen